So you’ve tried some desires, but which ones do you keep exploring when you aren’t certain that you’d like them or not? This is a continuation of my previous post today Try something twice before you abandon it; this post will be easier to understand if you’ve read it 🙂
What things should you keep on doing, which things should you try once or thrice? I asked this question at the end of the previous post and said I didn’t really know. I still don’t know the answer because I think the question is incorrect and actually asks two things. While I was brushing my teeth this morning I had a sensation that I could actually feel and trust my intuition on what I want to continue with and not continue with. So that’s an answer to the question, but it doesn’t really explain anything. Let’s see if I actually can figure out a good way to describe this…
Before I continue I feel the need to clarify my definition of desire because it feels vague to me and I think I’ve actually used it for various meanings. From now on desire is why you want to do something. Wanting to do something is not a desire. An example would be I want to exercise because I have a desire to be strong and fit. Previously I think I actually said I have a desire to exercise. That said, you can actually have a desire to try exercising, although it’s probably for a reason? *I tried to write consistent, but I failed 😛 For the most part I wrote like this.* If you think about the question again, it’s actually asking two questions in one, both a want and a desire. These are two different things (by the above definition) so you can’t really have the same answer for both of them. Still I don’t see these two as black and white, which complicates things further. I don’t even know if you can split them like that 😛 *Wondering if I’ll ever be able to explain my thought clearly 😛 *
Let’s start with my food example. So I have a desire to eat rich-tasting food. Thus I want to learn to eat food I dislike because my previous experience says that it has always been rewarding in one way or another. In this case it’s 90% logical decision for me. If I win in the long run and I already have proof and had similar experiences it’s a lot easier doing. In this case it’s easy decision to continue, although I will hate it in the beginning. In this example I already have the desire, to each rich-tasting food, and it’s actually intertwined with the desire to try out new things and explore life.
How about a harder example? I mentioned in my first blog post Discovering Desires that I wanted to try to have a threesome. This has been on my mind kind of lately. I don’t really know if this is a desire or not. Answering “why?” is probably a good idea, so I’ll start with that; before I do I just want a disclaimer that I think everyone has their own version of how threesomes looks like, so your version will probably not be what I think of a threesome. To the good stuff 😛 I think it would be very sexy experience both seeing two other people having sex and being a part of that. I’ll say it up front that a threesome with two girls is currently a lot more interesting than one girl and one man¹. I’m not going to lie, I have a weakness for girl on girl action and that’s one thing I’d really want to experience at least once. I love touch so I actually think this would be very stimulating to have two people caress you. Afterwards, between, or whenever the situation is going to be and things quite down it would be awesome to feel the love of two people; I think this means that one of the times I want to love both participants and they love me.
I can clearly feel a desire and urge to try this out. I’m not actually sure I will like a threesome but I think that in some way I will like it, but I’m not sure why I will like it. If I try it once or even thrice and feel like it didn’t work or wasn’t that great. Should I continue or quit trying? Ponder on that for a while… (a while later). I think it depends on the situation. Say the first time was with two people I barely knew, then I still don’t know if I like threesomes. I just know that I don’t like threesomes with those two at that time. I could actually like it with those exact people further down the road, either because we know each other better, are in a better mode, maybe someone felt force the first time, maybe all of us had a bad day. I feel like there’s not really any way that you can know whether you dislike it because it will probably be such a different experience every time. Sex with the same partner isn’t ever the same, you can have both great and bad sex in one relationship and it doesn’t really matter. For me it doesn’t matter how many times I’ll try because that really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t really matter if you like will like it down the road or not. What matters is if you feel a desire for it NOW. After I’ve tried it once and I still have the desire although it could take a day, week, or even a year before it arises again, then I’ll try it. Maybe I felt that it was so out of line with me that it’s totally not for me then I’ll probably remove that desire from my mental list, even though I could actually like it. I have tried it and it wasn’t for me. It’s not just a “well, I tried and I didn’t like it”. More like “I tried it once but it felt so out of line with my character, not at all how I am right now, everything felt wrong about it.” If instead it was more like “I tried it and that time wasn’t great, something felt off, but I’m definitely trying again.” I would have a desire to continue trying and doing that. It doesn’t really matter what you think you’ll like or dislike down the road, it’s more being in line with your desires, now, at this very moment.
I think everyone has a sense of knowing deep down inside them if they desire to continue on the journey, or end it—if you have the guts to look and be honest to yourself. It’s not always easy, especially if you have been trying for a long time and if other people are involved in your decision. Let’s take an example of a business you have started and you don’t have any desire to continue with that business, but other people depend on you and on that business. What do you do? I’ve actually thought about this a couple of times and I don’t have a clear answer, I don’t know. Just to be clear, I don’t want to end my own business; on some bad days though, God I’d just want to trash it and do something else. Those days are rare, but they exist and it’s on those days that I’ve really thought about how would I actually go about, should I continue or should I stop? This is the third example when other people are dependent on your desire. My intuition is to always go your own way because that will be better for everyone in the long run, but you don’t have to go out with a bang 😛 Talking to the affected people how you feel is a great idea so they actually know and can be prepared. It could lead to a sense of understanding and afterwards you have a desire to continue, not because you feel pressed or stressed, but because your original desire has been awakened again. One of the people could have a very handy solution to the problem, maybe someone else really wants to take over your role—more true for businesses than relationships :P. In worst case you won’t come to terms with each other, but that would’ve happened anyhow, now you’re hopefully on better terms than you would’ve been if things just crashed.
One reminder to myself is too watch out for “the grass is greener on the other side”-syndrome, when trying new stuff. This could lead to a sense of wanting to get somewhere all the time and not enjoying the moment. What I feel is the answer to a question is to savor the moment, being true to yourself and your desires and trying live out your desires. I wish it was this simple and maybe it is if you switch your mindset. I make it sound easy and that I do this all the time, but it has been quite the opposite for some months—too little personal development content ingested by my brain 😛 I guess this is another topic. How to act on your desires and wants.
Deep down inside yourself you know if you want to continue with something, if it’s still a desire or if it has fizzled. Take a step backwards and check if the things your doing now are actually things you really want to do and if they have any desire(s) behind them.
¹ Why do I want to write girl and not woman, but man and not boy? I don’t really like how it sounds, but that’ll have to do for now because that’s not the discussion of the post.